This morning I hit a brick wall during my morning pages. I tried to remain open to letting God into my broken heart to make my artist whole again. That’s the whole point of the course. But I feel like there’s such a gulf between what I’m studying the Artist’s Way and the ability to apply it to my own life. All the weekly tasks and free writing within the chapters… the answers were all the same. Nothing new I was unearthing was being revealed to me. I guess it’s my ego guiding me, rather than my inner artist.
It’s SO FRUSTRATING though, like holy shit. When will it all make sense? When will I truly surrender? I want to let it go because Lord knows I’ve got the passion, the focus and the drive. The course makes it sound so easy: let go and it’ll all come together. No, it’s really not. It’s funny, I was telling Humaira in our check-in that anger was a few weeks ago. So I guess this is all a delayed reaction lol.
I really had to stop, look it straight in the eye, and give it a name, to remove its power over me. So fuck you ego, I’m annoyed with you, although I need you to keep me sane.
I know I’m making excuses, and letting those crutches lead my reasoning and my words here. But I also feel like my excuses are perfectly justified. I’m in transition. I’m getting no calls or emails about the jobs I’m applying for in the city. I don’t wanna be a bum and live off my financial aid. I don’t wanna be a hermit my whole time there. I want to get out and meet people and experience everything the city has to offer. I know I need cash to do that. The money I’m saving will be for the move, and that’s it. Once it’s gone (and I’m sure it’ll go fast ’cause there’s not a lot), I will be at square 1. I will take anything. Part-time, full-time, whatever time. As long as it’s steady work and doesn’t conflict with school.
I get emails everyday from Indeed for new job listings, and I’m thinking someone up there has gotta want me. I’m awesome!
That’s the ego again! 😀