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How to Be a Vampire Slayer in Ten Easy Steps

  • Rating: PG.
  • Category: Humor/Action.
  • Summary: Buffy and Angel introduce Harry and Ron to the joys of vampire slaying.
  • Timeline: “Deleted scene” from episode 1.6.
  • Disclaimer: Harry Potter and related characters belong to JK Rowling and related entities. Buffy and Angel belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Made-ups are mine and mine alone.

Night had fallen on Hogsmeade.

Protected from prying eyes beneath James Potter’s Invisibility Cloak, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley secretly snuck out of the rambling Hogwarts castle to make good on a promise. Buffy Summers, an American vampire slayer, and her ex-boyfriend Angel (who happened to be a vampire himself) agreed to teach them the basics of vampire slaying.

Ron had learned the hard way that vampire slaying and having a wand did not go hand-in-hand. Indeed, it helped, but it mostly took a stake and some good ole fashioned street fighting skills, something he had never learned. Harry figured vampire-slaying wouldn’t be helpful on Voldemort, but who knows? Voldemort could be recruiting vampires, and it could be beneficial as an Auror, the only career Harry envisioned himself in after he left school.

“Hey,” Angel rumbled, greeting them warmly.

A sickle-shaped moon bathed the Hogsmeade’s graveyard in light. Buffy appeared not long afterward, her arms full of wooden stakes she and Angel had worked on that same day.

“Yo,” Buffy called.

“Do you need any help?” Harry piped up.

“I’ve dealt with far heavier things. Like that big lunkhead over there,” Buffy joked, nodding in Angel’s direction.

“You know you like it,” Angel teased her.

Buffy stuck her tongue out at him and unceremoniously dumped the stakes at Harry and Ron’s feet.

“First things first. Choose your Mr. Pointy,” Buffy advised them. Ron and Harry both kneeled in the moist grass to examine the wood closer.

“Mr. Pointy is your friend. Remember that,” Angel added thoughtfully.

Buffy brought herself back up to full height (which wasn’t much) and looked around. “They’ll be coming soon,” she said, more to herself than the others. She mentally prepared herself for the battles that were coming. Angel unconsciously took her lead, flexing his muscles and shaking himself from side to side as a boxer would do before a match in the ring.

Meanwhile, Harry was carefully selecting his stake, measuring them with his wand.

“Good idea,” Ron said, removing his own from his jeans pocket. In due time, they each found one that suited them.

Buffy stood before them, vaguely recalling her feeling when she had to train the other potentials the previous year.

“Next, wielding a stake is not difficult. Suppose you prefer holding it with your wand hand, good. If not, it doesn’t matter. Because we wouldn’t want you getting bitten on account of which hand the stake was in!” Buffy joked.

Ron and Harry stared at her in quiet apprehension.

“Tough crowd,” Buffy noted.

“Now, when you engage a vampire, it will happen very quickly. So don’t overthink; fight with whatever you’ve got,” Buffy explained. “Okay?” she grinned, trying to sound upbeat and uplifting. The expressions on the boys’ faces were enough to tell her they weren’t ready, but they wanted to do this.

“When you know a vampire is dazed or weakened enough that you can stake it, do it. Otherwise, they’ll keep coming back at you,” she continued.

“Sounds easy enough,” Harry said brazenly. He had seen Angel and Buffy the other day. It didn’t look too hard.

“Ah, you say that now, but can you do it? Because that’s what it’s all about. Putting all that you’re learning to use,” Angel said wisely.

“Ron, you’re with Angel. Harry, with me. We’ll show you some basic fighting techniques, but don’t feel like that’s the only way to fight. Go with the flow,” Buffy counseled as they paired off.

“Okay, got it?” Buffy asked. She had shown him some basic moves. Harry nodded. “Don’t be afraid to hit me ’cause I’m a girl,” Buffy teased him gently.

Harry instinctively rolled the stake around in his wand hand. “I’m more afraid of you kicking my arse, actually,” Harry replied. Buffy laughed out loud, shifting her weight from side to side.

“Come at me,” Angel prodded Ron.

Ron looked around wildly. “Are you mad?” Ron shot back.

“Ron, c’mon. Why are you here? Hit me. I’m not letting you go until you’ve tried to hit me. So do it,” Angel warned him. Ron shook his head, an almost fearful look in his eyes.

“Next piece of advice: never let them see your fear,” Angel advised. “They feed on that.” There was a sudden thump to his left and Harry was on the ground.

“Are you okay, Harry?” Buffy asked, bending down to help him up even though he was several inches taller and probably had fifty pounds on her.

“Yesh, I’m fine,” he coughed. Unfortunately, he was caught off-guard and had the wind knocked out of him.

“Try it again, only this time don’t leave your left side open,” Buffy urged him.

“Ron. Hit me. Now,” Angel prodded from nearby.

Setting his jaw, Ron moved headlong in Angel’s direction, punching and kicking the air in front of him like a madman. Angel blocked the moves quickly.

“Focus! Is that all you’ve got?” Angel taunted him.

Heaving slightly from the exertion, Ron stepped back to take stock. He wanted desperately to impress Angel and Buffy with his vampire-slaying skills. But he was getting nowhere.

Finally, he decided to empty his mind, focus his energy, and ignored the voice in his head, which sounded eerily like Hermione when she was in one of her nagging moods. He lunged at Angel again, but this time, held his own. They sparred back and forth, and Angel was silently impressed. For someone who had never fought hand-to-hand before, Ron was a natural.

Harry paused for a moment to watch his best friend. A wave of jealousy washed over him. He immediately felt ashamed as Buffy knocked into him. He was slightly off-balance and stumbled.

“Pay attention!” Buffy barked, though not rudely. “Try it again!”

Then before they knew it, the vampires of Hogsmeade all came out to play.

“Split up!” Angel directed the other three behind him.

Harry and Ron shared a look but followed through on his direction. Harry engaged the first vamp he saw, taking a swift kick to his leg. Then, ignoring the pain, he cast the Stupefy hex on him and staked him with Mr. Pointy.

For Ron’s first outing, he got two at the same time. He wasn’t a ninja master, but he could do okay. Following Harry’s lead, he cast a Stupefy hex on one, staked him, and took on the other.

Before long, the numbers of vampires in the graveyard began to dwindle.

Breathing heavily after staking three simultaneously, Buffy ran across the graveyard to help Angel out. But, unfortunately, he was grappling with a stubborn one. So Ron and Harry took care of theirs and joined Buffy.

“I can smell your secret,” the vampire breathed maniacally down Angel’s neck.

“Really? Did your mom ever tell you to brush your teeth?” Angel shot back, stomping on the vampire’s foot and kicking him away.

The vampire stumbled backward. “You know the secret,” the vampire replied. “The one that involves him.” He pointed directly at Harry.

Angel refused to look at Harry, wondering if the prophecy that brought him to Hogsmeade even included him. He hadn’t told Buffy why he was here in the first place. He staked the vampire before he could say more. Angel turned to look at the others.

“What was he talking about?” Harry asked.

Angel shut down. “The sun’s coming up,” he replied shortly, adjusting his leather duster.

“Angel, what was he talking about?” Buffy persisted. She glanced at Harry and Ron, who looked as taken aback as she felt.

Angel lumbered towards the Shrieking Shack to hide from the sun. The door shut behind him quietly as the sun began to rise on Hogsmeade.

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